youre lurking in front of me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
