It's like a parade of train wrecks.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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