the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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