I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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