You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
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Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
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I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize