good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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