I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize