im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im six kinds of drunk right now
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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