I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.