I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style