He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything