if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
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what is it with giant penises always finding me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
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All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.