I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
