my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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