We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
