I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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