The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
