Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
