if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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