I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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