The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
