the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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