I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
