you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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