Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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