I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
