I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
