Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
