apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
