I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
