Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
