i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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