I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
