Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
