grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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