I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
