My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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