Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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