You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
