does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
