Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
