Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
