you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
