did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You ruined the universe
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
