I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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