I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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