I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
