if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
