Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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