Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
