Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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