why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
