And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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