If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
