I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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