so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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